A Mother’s Quest for Her Family’s Wellbeing
We have lately been highlighting Fatherhood and the gifts many Sikh fathers wish to give their children. Becoming a father does not ensure someone will be nurturing or caring towards children or respectful towards their mother. We understand that for some new fathers, the stress and new responsibility may even bring out negative behaviors and abuse.
My name is Sanjog Kaur, and I thank you for the gift of your time as I share this story today: the story of young parents we recently assisted through our Helpline, and we are hopeful they will be able to continue their journey ahead, free from violence. (As always, privacy is a primary concern: names and biographical details are changed to protect this couple’s privacy). Read their story to learn how Daljeet, a young mother, reached a resolution after contacting our Helpline. Such examples of community-grounded, Sikhi-informed solutions facilitated privately through our Helpline program, coupled with the Prevention Education programs that we run publicly, fill us with deep gratitude for the opportunity to contribute to this meaningful work.
Reaching Out: A Mother’s First Step To Find Support
When Daljeet Kaur (name changed for anonymity) reached out to our Helpline, her husband Jasdeep Singh’s (name changed) inability to communicate effectively had become a significant obstacle in their relationship. Instead of resolving conflicts through healthy conversations, Jasdeep would either ignore her for days on end or resort to throwing anything he could get his hands on at that moment. At times, things he flung across their home would land too close to where Daljeet stood with their infant child.
Determined to protect herself and her child, Daljeet left a message in Punjabi on Sikh Family Center’s National Non-Emergency Helpline. The next day, a bilingual trained Peer Counselor connected with Daljeet at a time that was safe for her to talk, offering space to share her experience privately. (Callers to our Helpline are always asked to leave a safe number and safe time for a call back in their voicemail; otherwise, calling and asking for them might be more harmful than hurtful).
The Peer Counselor listened carefully to Daljeet, validated her feelings, and asked pertinent questions to assess her safety. Together, they identified potential family and community support systems that Daljeet could rely on. Daljeet disclosed that Jasdeep actively prevented her from getting a U.S. driver’s license. He also strongly discouraged her from meeting her only local friend. Jasdeep was exhibiting abusive behaviors to maintain power and control over her while she lived in isolation with their infant.
Safety First: Developing a Comprehensive Safety Plan
Daljeet and the Peer Counselor developed a comprehensive safety plan tailored to her specific circumstances. They discussed strategies for keeping Daljeet and their child safe when Jasdeep returned from work each day, such as having the child play in another room during interactions with Jasdeep. They practiced tactics to diffuse situations before they escalated, such as how to respond (or not respond) when Jasdeep showed signs of anger and thought through which rooms to avoid that were particularly dangerous (such as kitchens or bathrooms). They also discussed the process of calling 911, practiced what to say and what to expect, as well as what could go wrong if the police did not react as they are legally required to (something that victim-survivors, especially women of color, experience as well).
Building a Support Network: Engaging Family and Accessing Local Resources
Over the next few days, Daljeet found the energy to better articulate her goals. It was important to Daljeet that Jasdeep recognize the harm he was causing her and their child, learn healthy communication skills to resolve conflicts, and seek professional counseling.
She thus identified her next steps. First, she wanted to explore how her extended family members might be able to support her and their infant. Second, Daljeet was interested in learning about local community resources, such as domestic violence agencies. The Peer Counselor was ready with information about the local agency with relevant expertise, and the assurance that the agency would use a Punjabi translator. This was important as Daljeet felt most comfortable speaking a mix of English and Punjabi versus expressing her thoughts and feelings in English alone. (Such background research and thoughtful preparation for each call is part of a Peer Counselor’s training and practice).
The Peer Counselor helped her brainstorm which family members would be best positioned to talk to Jasdeep so that he would be receptive to discussing their situation. Daljeet made the decision to involve her family members and in-laws in pursuit of a safe and healthy environment for herself and her family.
Jasdeep agreed to have a conversation with a family member he trusted and respected. Daljeet also voiced her desire to obtain a driver’s license to this family member, who in turn was able to support her in communicating these needs to Jasdeep.
At the same time, Daljeet contacted the local organizations and solidified her emergency safety plan, thus expanding her options and avenues of safe support for her and her child. She now has a backup plan should things get unsafe and scary again.
A Path Forward: Cautious Optimism
During her last conversation with the Peer Counselor, Daljeet demonstrated remarkable strength and clarity. She was cautiously optimistic about engaging her family and stated that she would reach out for additional support if needed.
The Helpline supported Daljeet as she reached towards her inner strength and resolve to change the course of her situation. This interaction between Daljeet and the Peer Counselor exemplifies the essence of our work – empowering individuals to recognize and use their inherent strength to bring about positive change.
If you or someone you know is experiencing gender-based violence, we encourage you to reach out to Sikh Family Center’s National Non-Emergency Helpline at 1-866-732-7392. Our compassionate, culturally responsive, bilingual (Punjabi and English) peer counselors are available to provide private conversations and non-judgmental support, and appropriate resources as you create a safe and healthy future for yourself and your loved ones.