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There is no one “right way” for a survivor to react to violence; every survivor responds differently. Every survivor’s comfort with their family and community is different. Approach conversations with empathy, attentiveness, and sensitivity. Try not to use guilt (“if only you had…”), blame (“why did you not…”) or shame (“how could you do…”) At times, people can appear angry or want to isolate themselves entirely or may find talking about certain topics frightening. Instead of calling any response “abnormal” or “weak” connect them with trained professionals.
There may be safety concerns or specific reasons the survivor hasn’t shared their personal experience with others. Instead, the survivor chose to confide in you because they trust you will not violate their privacy. Do not take any action, including involving other people, without first explicitly discussing this with the survivor. If you feel they are in grave danger, call a confidential trained resource to discuss the situation as soon as possible.
Whether the ongoing support is inside and/or outside the community. Safety planning requires expertise. There may be legal considerations and repercussions they need to become aware of. Managing trauma responses alone can be very challenging. Sharing trustworthy resources is crucial so they—and you, if you choose to remain involved—have the best support and information possible.
The survivor is an expert on their situation, including the other person’s potential for harm. Be proactive about safety (physical and emotional). There are trained professionals that can help access risks, discuss options, and plan for safety based on the unique circumstances.
Experiencing a trauma can change the way a person perceives the world. There is no right or wrong response, and ultimately that person’s brain is doing everything it can to help them survive. Some people will try to defend themselves [fight], some may attempt to escape [flight], and others might get stiff [freeze]. There are those who experience the fawn response, which involves engaging in pacifying behaviors to avoid conflict, e.g. giving in to the other person’s demands. Find more info
Remember, an interrogation is not connection! Questions can feel exhausting or even accusatory when someone is already emotionally overwhelmed. Sitting in judgement/trying to figure out if they share in the blame is harmful. Don’t risk re-traumatization.
Dealing with trauma can likely be a long process. Trying to determine how long one’s healing should take or setting expectations can lead to unnecessary pressure for them. The survivor deserves time and space to decide what they want to do and how they want to go about it.
Giving advice does not provide a safe or empathetic space for healing, even if you mean well. Instead, come up with options together and let them decide what is right for them. Offering a survivor the opportunity to choose gives them a sense of control, which is something that they lost when they experienced harm in the relationship.
Toxic positivity refers to dismissing difficult emotions, and insisting they must maintain a positive mindset no matter what. “At least you have…”/ “At least you didn’t…” are not necessarily going to make people feel better. In fact, they might feel worse and think you are accusing them for being not grateful enough or for “complaining.”
Healing is a personal journey, there is no one-size-fits-all approach. Just as people react differently to trauma, their paths towards healing are also diverse. Some may choose listening to paath and Gurbani, others may not. Some may combine therapy, exercise, and dance. Others may not.
DON’T SAY:
| INSTEAD TRY: *Note: Your intentions may be to help, but the impact might not be helpful. Don’t be afraid to try again* *Passive listening does not support others in processing trauma or even healing. |
“Just tell me what happened!”
| “Do you want to talk about it with me? Or should we find another resources* for you?”
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“It’s time to move on.”
| “Healing is possible, but it takes time and support. Is there something that has been helpful for you?”
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“You’re always thinking about yourself!”
| “I can see this hurts. It takes a lot of strength to talk about it.”
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“You could have just done ____ [to stop the crime/abuse/victimization].”
| “You don’t deserve this. You can choose what to do next with the support of resources*.”
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“It’s time to report what happened to the appropriate authorities.”
| “When you are ready, would you like resources* to help explore options? You have the power to decide what works best for you.” |
“Let go of your anger, it will eat you up, it’s not useful!”
| “Anger is a powerful emotion. Perhaps you’ll feel a range of other emotions too. When you are ready, we can explore resources* and different ways to cope.”
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“This will get better.”
| “This experience has impacted you significantly, take the time you need to heal.”
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“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?!” | “You are brave for sharing this. There are some resources that can help, if you like. Thank you for trusting me.”
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“This is not the Sikh way….”
| Sikhi can give one strength and lead us towards strength and self-awareness. It serves as a reminder that every individual deserves to live with freedom, dignity and without fear.
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“Calm down!”
| “I see/hear you are hurting, but also I see your strength and resilience.”
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“Look on the bright side, at least….”
| “We don’t have to talk about this right now. I’m also here to talk about anything else, if you are looking for a distraction from this topic. Let me know what is useful.”
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“Why don’t you remember?” | “This is understandable. Scientific research demonstrates that trauma can significantly affect memory. Be gentle with yourself.” |
National Helpline
866-SFC-SEWA or (866)-732-7392
Sikh Family Center promotes community health and well-being with a special focus on gender justice. We provide trauma-centered interventions for victim-survivors of violence while working to change the social and cultural conditions that allow gendered violence to occur in the first place. Our training, outreach, and advocacy are grounded in cultural tradition, grassroots power, and intergenerational healing.
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